Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Applying For The Position of God; Here's My Resume

For reference, here are Yahweh's Ten Commandments:

  1. No other gods*
  2. No idols*
  3. No wrongful use of divine name*
  4. Remember and keep holy the Sabbath
  5. Honor father and mother*
  6. Don’t murder
  7. Don’t commit adultery
  8. Don’t steal
  9. Don’t bear false witness against your neighbor
  10. Don’t covet*
* I declare all of these stupid, useless commandments. If they're from humans, they're just plain stupid. If they're from a deity, no less than the Supreme Creator of the universe, then they're reprehensibly small-minded in addition to being stupid.

Ten Commandments, Version 2.0

Some of these are not fully fleshed out. I'm really just floating this to you, people of Earth, to see what you think. If you're interested, let me know, and I'll put the finishing touches on it.

And hey: if you find my language pompous or long-winded, get over it. God gets to be that way.
  1. Your thoughts are your own. No one can tell what your thoughts are unless you articulate them. It is impossible for anyone to be hurt by your thoughts. There is no such thing as thought crime. How many other ways can I say it?
  2. Human beings cannot be owned. No slavery. Ever.
  3. Any creature, human or otherwise, that has even a rudimentary nervous system can suffer physical pain. Many creatures, human and otherwise, can also suffer psychological pain. It is always wrong to cause deliberate suffering, with extremely limited exceptions--see the animal treatment commandments. Other than that, don’t do it. Ever. I’m serious.
  4. Children have special rights. They are physically and emotionally defenseless. They do not have the faculties to deal with adult situations. Parents/guardians must protect their children and deal with life’s complexities on their behalf, always keeping the children’s best interests in mind.
    • Do not marry a child.
    • Do not have sex with a child.
    • Do not take advantage of a child’s defenselessness.
    • Do not sit idly while you know of children who are being mistreated.
    • Do not tell a child that he/she is bad, unworthy, inferior, or in need of any kind of redemption. Ever.
  5. Equality
    • All humans are morally equal to, and have the same rights as, all other humans, with the exception of the special rights of children. No societal category (e.g., race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, political beliefs, age, etc.) is inherently better or worse in any way than any other group. No societal group is allowed any legal privilege that is not available to all other groups. No group is to be restrained in a way that is not binding on all others.
    • Segregation of any kind is not allowed, except sexual segregation in public restrooms, because frankly, men are gross.
  6. The value of human life - lots of thoughts here, not organized yet. Let me know if you're interested and I'll give you a rough draft.
  7. Sex & Marriage
    • Masturbation is good for you. Do it as much as you want to. Just like anything else, don’t become addicted to it. But if you do become addicted, you haven’t committed a sin. Don’t beat yourself up (no pun intended—see, God 2.0 has a sense of humor), just get help.
    • Do not be sexual in any way (including touching and kissing) with anyone without his/her express consent. Ever.
    • What you do, alone or with mutually consenting adults of any number and sex, in a socially acceptable place and time, is part of the joy of life, so indulge yourself as much as you like.
    • Adults, do not have sex with a child. Ever.
  8. Lying
    • Children, you may lie to your parents if you are afraid. It is totally ok for you to protect yourself from psycho parents. But if you're not afraid, always tell the truth to your parents. It's not about being good or bad. It's about your safety and well-being. Parents need all the info in order to maximize their effectiveness on your behalf.
    • Society, make it safe for children always to tell the truth to their parents. If a child is put into a situation by his/her nutjob parents such that the child is afraid to tell the truth, then put a stop to it.
  9. Don’t steal (umm, duh?)
  10. Circumcision (no cutting ever for boys or girls or non-specific except when absolutely medically necessary). I have some vague thoughts on sex assignment, sacredness of intersex people
  11. Education/Teachers/Science/Basic Research
    • Education
      • You have some serious gaps in your primary school curricula. Add the following as required learning: critical thinking (this should be built-in to all of your teaching, but also teach it explicitly), morality, comparative religion, how to fit into society, how to cope with unhappiness, how to be an effective and helpful parent.
      • Private schools are not allowed, obviously, given that none of you is to have any privileges not available to all others. With any luck this will force you who care about education to provide good education to everyone.
    • Teachers
      • Teachers are to be held to the strictest standards of academic and professional quality, and ability to enrich children’s lives in every way possible.
      • Teachers are to be the highest-paid and most respected members of society.
  12. Crime/Imprisonment/Mental Health/Addiction/Homelessness/Drugs
  13. Environment Stewardship/Pollution/Resource management/Population
  14. Animals
    • Treatment: you'll need a lot of input from animal experts on this one. Some species, such as horses and dogs but not humans, do rely on very mild and judiciously applied physical suffering as part of their social dynamic. Learn from your experts how to provide a healthy environment for your animals and treat them with respect and dignity, applying suffering when it is best for them.
    • Carnivorism--I'll...heh heh...flesh this out later.
  15. Censorship: at least get your priorities straight. Again, welcome to the complexity of life. If you have your eyes open at all you’ll see that censorship is not a black-and-white issue. Argue amongst yourselves about it all the time because it’s important, but consider this: it is absolutely stupid to allow people to display images of ghastly violence but to forbid images of sexual activities and human bodies. It is absolutely stupid to allow people to broadcast hatred but to forbid specific swear words on the air. Get a clue. Notice the difference between something beautiful and something horrible.
  16. I saved this one for last, because this might be the deal-breaker, especially in the U.S. Listen carefully: there is no such thing as a right to bear children. No one has the right to bring a child into the world if they cannot provide an appropriate childhood. Not even to speak of the environmental stewardship commandment. Make good laws concerning reproductive responsibility. Let me be clear: RESPONSIBILITY.


  1. This is a great start- I like it!
    I'm glad you decided to put this out there- I think it has great discussion possibilities.


  2. The last one, the lack of a right to bear children is fascinating. Could you please provide your thought process in coming to this conclusion?

  3. You posted anonymously; I'm not sure you'll ever know that I've answered you. But here goes anyway:

    It's fairly straightforward. It's not ok to torture people. It's not ok to make people suffer needlessly. It's not ok to bring kids into a life dominated by incompetent, insane, or cruel parents. It's not ok to bring kids into a life of poverty or starvation. Possession of reproductive equipment is not a license to increase the suffering in the world.

    Also, when I bring a child into the world, I am taking vital resources away from someone else. I don't have the nerve to say that we should stop bearing children until everyone is fed, but it wouldn't be a bad idea. And if, by bringing a child into the world, I am making it that much more likely that we'll destroy ourselves by depleting resources or the like, then bringing that child into the world is not the right thing to do. Possession of reproductive equipment is not a license to speed the demise of our civilization.