Monday, February 9, 2015

Allah's QC 1.2: Heaven (And Virgins?)

Muhammad's vision of hell highlights not only his psychopathic tendencies, but also his lack of creativity. Although his vile celebrations may seem visionary, we know that they are borrowed from centuries of tradition built up by Christian theologians. As for his heaven, we already know it rests on a foundation of barbarism; living there would be its own kind of hell. Can Muhammad, with his limited imagination, conjure anything to attract us to heaven, other than the fact that we won't be on fire? Let's have a look.

Heaven is a land of enormous gardens, often overlooking rivers. There are flowering meadows, springs, fountains, vineyards, and big trees that cast plenty of shade.

If you have thoroughly kissed God's ass, or died--or killed--for the cause of defending his infinitely fragile ego, you will live here eternally in bliss, serenity, social harmony, peace. If we hadn't already learned about hell and the savagery it embodies, we might wonder how those who go around torturing and murdering their fellow human beings could enjoy such a place. But we have seen, and will see again, that they are attracted to Yahweh for a reason.

Although the weather is always nice, God has provided shelter. You will live in a mansion with lofty halls. You will sit on a throne, wearing the finest green silk, embroidered with gold. Jewelry made of gold, silver, and pearls will always be in fashion.

When you're hungry, you will stroll to your meals on carpets and recline with your fellow believers on luxurious couches. For an appetizer, there is delicious fruit, still on the tree, that you can reach from your comfortable seat. Anything you can't easily reach will be brought to you on golden trays by beautiful, eternally youthful servants. But guys, don't get excited just yet. Even if they are human, which is not at all clear, Muhammad refers to them as manservants. Your silver goblet will always be full. On the beverages menu are exotic, magical wines that cause neither hangover nor alcoholism. If magic wine is not to your taste, there are rivers of magic milk, magic honey, and of course, boring old magic water. For your main course, you will have meat, and...meat. And meat.

What forms of entertainment will you find? Only one amusement for the general population is advertised: Muhammad invites you to add to the agony of those who are suffering unspeakable torment in hell. Although everyone will join in the delight of pouring boiling water on the faces of the damned, surely the most grateful recipients of this reward are God's murderers and torturers, who would otherwise not enjoy heaven.

As for that other, more exclusive form of entertainment: you'll be happy to learn that the Qur'an never says you get 72 virgins. Happy, because there is never a hint of there being a limit to the number of virgins you can avail yourself of. You can even marry them, although we must wonder what the point of marriage would be, as your virgins will be heavily guarded, presumably against communal use. Given the absurdly pornographic overtones of Muhammad's hell, we might expect his virgin stories to be at least a little kinky. Unfortunately, generations of prudish Christian theologians are of no inspirational value on this front. For all Muhammad's poetic imagery, his accommodating virgins are basically pretty girls with big tits.

Maybe you like stormy weather, vegetables, beer. Maybe your sex fantasies have evolved since adolescence. And just maybe, you have the slightest concern for the lives and the suffering of your fellow human beings. Insipid, yet ghastly, Muhammad's heaven won't be your kind of place. Except, of course, you won't be on fire.

That's 1.2. Thanks for watching.

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